www.incontinentsupport.org

A few weeks ago I saw a post on here that read, in part, "If I'm in a webex meeting I may have to wait for a bit or otherwise awkwardly excuse myself at a moments notice, sometimes interrupting to do it. So far this has happened a few times now, but I was able to hold on mostly and only pee a little."

(hat tip to nomoore if they end up reading this, and thank you for posting something so raw and honest that really rang true and felt to me like, yes! That's exactly what it's like! -- I appreciated it and it got me thinking about my own situation and how similar it was)

For the last week I've worn diapers to the office, same as I used to pre-2011. And -- oh my goodness, there's so much less angst. I'm not in the bathroom a million times a day, and that's just the start. The first draft of this post had more examples of how much less angst there is with the diapers, but I'm not sure what would be TMI so I'm erring on the side of being conservative and I will just leave it at -- anyone reading this can probably make pretty good guesses, anyway. Things are just plain better.

Will there be downsides? If there are, they'll be over the medium to long term and they'll be in the area of "unconscious bias" in terms of how my coworkers see me. I don't know what to do about that other than just face the risk head-on and take my lumps.

I'm not sure what else to say. I've never had a "normal" ability to hold urine. It's hard to even conceptualize in my head what a "normal" bladder feels like, because I've never had one. Diapers are, and have always been, the way of dealing with it that works best with the least stress. But, yow, the past decade has had me doing a bunch of beating myself up over it. I don't even know what to do with all of these feelings -- feeling that I "should be" embarrassed, that I "should just try harder". None of them ever did me a bit of good. It's 2022 now and going diaperless still often means choosing between staying close to a bathroom, or wetting my pants. I guess I could be embarrassed about that, but I'd really rather not.

I will try to participate here more but it'll be less of the stuff about medications, cystoscopy, all that stuff that I was posting about here in 2011-2012. Peace.

gotta love urge incontinence. NOT.... I have tried a bunch of ways so I don't have to wear diapers, but in the end I still would still have my bladder empty on me when it would have been the most embarrassing.

bcca,
Congratulations on your maturity. Diapers are my underwear, period. End of discussion. I cannot function anywhere without them. Coming to terms with that insight has taken time, but it was time well spent. Good luck and keep us informed.

Thanks Patrick, thanks batman.

Congrats. I also went through a period of denial and quickly came to the conclusion that diapers are a necessity and people are going to recognize wet pants more than they will a diaper. Here's to a continuous successful time!

bcca wrote:A few weeks ago I saw a post on here that read, in part, "If I'm in a webex meeting I may have to wait for a bit or otherwise awkwardly excuse myself at a moments notice, sometimes interrupting to do it. So far this has happened a few times now, but I was able to hold on mostly and only pee a little."

(hat tip to nomoore if they end up reading this, and thank you for posting something so raw and honest that really rang true and felt to me like, yes! That's exactly what it's like! -- I appreciated it and it got me thinking about my own situation and how similar it was)

Thanks bcca! I'm glad to have this forum to express myself openly and honestly with people who understand. I'm still pretty new here and to incontinence but the support has been very positive to all from what I've seen so far. This is a comfortable place and I hope you feel comfortable to express yourself here too.

bcca wrote:For the last week I've worn diapers to the office, same as I used to pre-2011. And -- oh my goodness, there's so much less angst. I'm not in the bathroom a million times a day, and that's just the start. The first draft of this post had more examples of how much less angst there is with the diapers, but I'm not sure what would be TMI so I'm erring on the side of being conservative and I will just leave it at -- anyone reading this can probably make pretty good guesses, anyway. Things are just plain better.

I think the angst over whether someone "notices" a diaper bulge is much less than the angst over possibly wetting myself, my chair, the carpet, having to get facilities to clean it up, etc, and probably again and again if I didn't wear diapers now. I do fear someone noticing my diaper and constantly heckling me about it. But that is why I have an HR dept, to take care of issues like that. I am fortunate to work at a place with a good HR dept that would put a stop to it quick. I'm still working on sorting my wardrobe to hide it better but fortunately what I currently have isn't horrible.

bcca wrote:Will there be downsides? If there are, they'll be over the medium to long term and they'll be in the area of "unconscious bias" in terms of how my coworkers see me. I don't know what to do about that other than just face the risk head-on and take my lumps.

I think I know what you mean about "unconscious bias". And I don't think it is an issue. Looking back at my own perception of others before I myself was incontinent, I know for a select few coworkers/friends I could tell that things looked odd down there. I remember sometimes wondering if they were wearing some sort of "protection", though I never was SURE because I never saw anything peeking out of pants or anything. I didn't have any idea what "level" of protection they had though or whether they had dribbles or full bladder voiding episodes. In fact full bladder voids weren't even on my scope of thought unless it was dripping off of them. And honestly I saw this more in young adults (and outside the work environment) than in older ones. I had the idea that full voiding "accidents" happened occasionally for a small minority of the population, which sucked for them and made me feel bad for their subsequent embarrassment. In my mind severe or heavy incontinence was something only encountered in a nursing home or "home health care" environment and diapers were used by people with much milder incontinence too. I don't feel like I ever had any negative "bias", unconscious or otherwise, about anyone I suspected as wearing any of the protection items I knew about. In my mind they had a common medical issue and were taking appropriate measures to deal with it and that's it.

bcca wrote:I'm not sure what else to say. I've never had a "normal" ability to hold urine. It's hard to even conceptualize in my head what a "normal" bladder feels like, because I've never had one. Diapers are, and have always been, the way of dealing with it that works best with the least stress. But, yow, the past decade has had me doing a bunch of beating myself up over it. I don't even know what to do with all of these feelings -- feeling that I "should be" embarrassed, that I "should just try harder". None of them ever did me a bit of good. It's 2022 now and going diaperless still often means choosing between staying close to a bathroom, or wetting my pants. I guess I could be embarrassed about that, but I'd really rather not.

You're right. What good does it do us to beat ourselves up over it? Although I too am definitely struggling with the idea that maybe I "should just try harder". I struggle to make it to the bathroom in time but sometimes when my bladder is behaving itself more than usual and I'm feeling more like I'm faking I try to hold it as long as possible, really giving it my best shot at not wetting myself just to prove it to myself. And honestly, reality proves on most days that I need diapers. I've proven it to myself again and again and again, but whether I'm testing myself or not I can't get it through to my emotional self. I'm glad my logical self has better sense though or my laundry pile would be a lot bigger.

bcca wrote:I will try to participate here more but it'll be less of the stuff about medications, cystoscopy, all that stuff that I was posting about here in 2011-2012. Peace.

Glad to have you here!

Bcca,

Well done! Acceptance and the emotional aspects are at least half of the challenge in coping effectively with incontinence. You obviously are there. Congratulations.

--John
(double incontinent)

Hi nomoore and thanks so much for taking the time to write that. I appreciate the thoughtfulness of what you wrote.

nomoore wrote:I think the angst over whether someone "notices" a diaper bulge is much less than the angst over possibly wetting myself, my chair, the carpet

I guess what I would worry about is -- and this is 110% hypothetical, I have no way of actually getting inside other people's minds like this -- but what if, from the perspective of the management/leads, urgent/frequent bathroom trips, wet patches, etc are a part of life and they could have happened to anyone, but if I wear diapers then I appear "soft". It's possible that when I have a little bit of that angsty worried edge, that I appear the most driven, motivated, (pick your adjective).

Does that make any sense at all? It's ok if it doesn't. It might not make sense. But that's the thought process that me-in-2011 had.

nomoore wrote:I don't feel like I ever had any negative "bias", unconscious or otherwise, about anyone I suspected as wearing any of the protection items I knew about. In my mind they had a common medical issue and were taking appropriate measures to deal with it and that's it.

This is a reassuring thought and thank you. Actually your whole paragraph was reassuring, not just the part I quoted above. Thank you for giving me that insight into how I might be seen (not just in a work situation, but in life).

nomoore wrote:Thanks bcca! I'm glad to have this forum to express myself openly and honestly with people who understand. I'm still pretty new here and to incontinence but the support has been very positive to all from what I've seen so far. This is a comfortable place and I hope you feel comfortable to express yourself here too.

Thank you. I admit to feeling more awkward than I did a decade ago. Back then I felt like I had a steady stream of post-worthy stuff that was happening to me to post about -- oh, my urologist suggested we try me on X, I've been on it for a week now, my experience so far is Y, has anyone tried Z... etc.

But with going back to diapers -- what is there to say about that really? You wear them, you change them, you move on with your life. I'm not even an expert on the breadth of the products that are out there, I just know what works for me. If someone posts "what's a good product for X?" there are going to be a dozen people on here who have intelligent answers. All I'd be able to say would be "I use this one. It works for me. YMMV."

bcca wrote:I guess what I would worry about is -- and this is 110% hypothetical, I have no way of actually getting inside other people's minds like this -- but what if, from the perspective of the management/leads, urgent/frequent bathroom trips, wet patches, etc are a part of life and they could have happened to anyone, but if I wear diapers then I appear "soft". It's possible that when I have a little bit of that angsty worried edge, that I appear the most driven, motivated, (pick your adjective).


Does that make any sense at all? It's ok if it doesn't. It might not make sense. But that's the thought process that me-in-2011 had.

Are you saying management might think you are "soft" for wearing diapers instead of trying to make it to the bathroom? If so I wouldn't worry about it. If they notice your diaper they still have no idea the severity of your condition unless you tell them. And I'm sure they don't want to deal with your urgent bathroom trips, wet patches, or for all they know wet chair, floor, etc any more than you do.

As for angst... for me at least angst is more debilitating than it is a driving motivation. When I am feeling worried my mind is distracted by what I'm worried about and I am less able to focus on a particular task. Also, I feel like angst is seen as more prevalent in the young and less mature. Someone with a calm demeanor would appear more mature and more able to handle a heavier load without breaking down. So if we are talking appearances alone I would go for the calm, cool demeanor. You can certainly be calm and driven/motivated too. Calm does not equal weak. And if you are thinking that angsty might appear as high energy, I think most people can tell the difference, at least subconsciously.

bcca wrote:

nomoore wrote:I don't feel like I ever had any negative "bias", unconscious or otherwise, about anyone I suspected as wearing any of the protection items I knew about. In my mind they had a common medical issue and were taking appropriate measures to deal with it and that's it.

This is a reassuring thought and thank you. Actually your whole paragraph was reassuring, not just the part I quoted above. Thank you for giving me that insight into how I might be seen (not just in a work situation, but in life).

I'm glad I could help.

bcca wrote:Thank you. I admit to feeling more awkward than I did a decade ago. Back then I felt like I had a steady stream of post-worthy stuff that was happening to me to post about -- oh, my urologist suggested we try me on X, I've been on it for a week now, my experience so far is Y, has anyone tried Z... etc.

But with going back to diapers -- what is there to say about that really? You wear them, you change them, you move on with your life. I'm not even an expert on the breadth of the products that are out there, I just know what works for me. If someone posts "what's a good product for X?" there are going to be a dozen people on here who have intelligent answers. All I'd be able to say would be "I use this one. It works for me. YMMV."

There's no post quota or competition here. Post when you feel like you have something to say or have a question to ask. If somebody asks for a recommendation feel free to post what works for you, or second someone else's opinion. When I'm looking for recommendations and I see five people say "this works for me", even if there isn't a long detailed post about it, it helps me to choose or prompts me to go do more research about that particular product. If you feel like it you can also post why it works for you and/or what issues, if any, you have had with the product, even if you haven't tried everything else. Might there be something better out there? Sure. But what works for you might work for someone else and that is enough, right? Now I just need to take my own advice in this regard instead of worrying so much about my own posts.